Mr. Spandex is a random guy who hangs around Albuquerque wearing lycra and a cape.  To the best of anyone's knowledge, Mr. Spandex does not even know how to ride a bike.  We do not accept responsibility for anyone foolish enough to take his advice. Mr. Spandex is definitely NOT for mature audiences; however, you must be over 18 to read this page.

Politically Correct Zone

Advertisement: Mr. Spandex, by virtue of his huge reader audience, is frequently bombarded with "novelty" products. Rarely does such a product meet his high level of excellence. However, there is simply nothing like "SQUEAKY CHEEKS" powder for combating the unmentionable and embarrassing bodily effects of repetitious exercise - chafed thighs and butt burn (it'll ruin your social life)- traditionally managed with greasy lubricants (save them for later). "SQUEAKY CHEEKS" is the serious bicyclists non-greasy alternative lubricator. This is a product that Mr. Spandex believes all New Mexico Cyclocross racers can get behind. However, Mr. Spandex reports some looks of confusion when he recently asked a local bike shop owner if, in fact, he had "SQUEAKY CHEEKS."

Question: Who is a good candidate to become a cyclist?
Answer: People with bad hair should become cyclists. Take Pease for example. The more time he spends with that nasty wanna-be rat tail covered-up, the better.

Question: Mr. Spandex, I really love the Spring Classics. I want to do well in conditions like those. How do I prepare?
Answer: Well, you have come to the right place. First, get a set of rollers and set them up in your bathtub. Start riding. After an hour, turn the water on cold to simulate a freezing rainstorm. Next, have a friend bring-in a HUGE fan, in Belgium there is always a 40kph crosswind. Finally, one must prepare for hail, so have them throw ice-cubes on you as well. If you can put-up with this, you are definitely nutty enough to be a Classics rider.

Question: Mr Spandex, If I get dropped and someone asks "what happened" what should I say?
Answer: Speak British, you know, that funny kind of English you hear Phil Ligget use. "I was on you like a limpet for a while" should leave them baffled. If you add to this, "There wasn't enough toot in the train", they'll be so confused they won't ask you ever again.

Question: Dear Mr. Spandex, What makes a great group ride?
Answer: It's really in the end of the ride, or the post ride celebration.  Be warned, when Hawke Morgan says, "great ride, lap dance time, my treat", turn-away very, very, fast. Long rides make him a bit "confused".

Question: Mr. Spandex, I was watching track cycling on the Olympics. Why is the 200 meter Sprint event really 1 kilometer long?
Answer: They were dizzy from riding around that little circle when the made-up the rules.

Question: Mr Spandex, what kind of bike should I get?
Answer: Dual suspension is good, but you really need TRIPLE suspension with 2 feet of travel. If you can run-over old ladies trying to cross the street and not even feel it, your bike is 'dialed'. Just slap-on some Red Bull stickers and you're an "extreme athlete". Whatever you do, you certainly don't want to have to develop bike handling skills.

Question:  Dear Mr. Spandex, should I shave my legs?
Answer:  Yes.  There are two reasons to shave.  One, so no one will confuse you for Josh Liberles or some other Orangutan who escaped from the zoo.  Two, if you wreck you will slide on top of the pavement and receive less road-rash.   Not to mention, smooth legs complement my red pumps.

Qustion: Mr. Spandex, you're mean.
Answer: That's not a question, but yes, I am.

Question: Dude, what do you think of my new cyclocross rig? It's a Surly Crosscheck.
Answer: Surly bikes are nice, especially for the price. However, you mis-construed the lettering on the frame. "Fatties Fit Fine" refers to tire clearance; it wasn't an invitation to pick-up women with an affinity for fried cheese curds and give them a lift home on your handlebars.

Question: Mr Spandex, why do roadies hang-out at coffee shops and try to look cool? They're not, even they have to see they are skinny dorks wearing ridiculous clothing.
Answer: Yes they are. Other than Sammy Davis Jr., no one in tap-dance shoes has ever been cool. They have gone anaerobic once too often, and now think they look hot in those silly outfits. Truly sad, clog dancers stand a better chance at getting laid.

Question: Dear Mr. Spandex, The other day I was riding with Bill "Lucky Pierre" Cowan and I noticed something which looked like a tube of lipstick in his jersey pocket. What gives?
Answer: You must be new to town….Don’t ask.

Question: Mr. Spandex, what's up with the handlebars on triathlete's bikes, and why can't they ride a straight line?
Answer: Ah, yes, a question as old as the geeky practice of running around town in weenie bikinis. Triathletes are all people who did not get to play around on the jungle-gym as kids. As a result, they put crazy bars on their bikes. It is a little known fact that the swim leg of triathlons are actually done in vodka. In training, it must be that triathletes ride all over the place to simulate being drunk. There can be no other explanation for why they are such bad bike handlers.

Question:  Dear Mr. Spandex, what is the oil I see some cyclists put on their legs?
Answer:  Some cyclists put oil on their legs to look cool. Occasionally one of them will write an article explaining some practical reason to do so, but they are all B.S. The type of oil varies, the oil Mr. Spandex uses he stole from a hooker on Central.

Question:  Dear Mr. Spandex, who are you?
Answer:  Gather 'round children and I'll tell you my story. Before your time there was this band called the Village People; KY and I were their groupies. One day, KY and I fought over the short-one and his leather caboose hat, damn he looked fine. That day, I vowed to gain my revenge by out-styling Stephen. I wear a very masculine velvet cape; he's a grown man who wears lycra bibs and neon vests. I'll let you decide whose winning.

Question: Mr. Spandex, you must help. I just ordered a 'cross bike, but when it comes, my wife will kill me. What should I do? Thanks, Schmitty.
Answer: You are a whipped, whipped man. If you keep this up, we'll have to re-name you Chad Black. Anyway, fear not, Mr. Spandex has a solution. For only $5 a day, you can store it after your ride in the dumpster where Mr. Spandex lives. Just don't touch my Boones Farm. After a week or so, the bike will be dirty and look used. Now you can sneak it into the house and claim it was cheap since you bought it off of Ebay.

Question: Dear Mr. Spandex, where did you get your clipless pedal compatible high-heels? I want a pair. –Dave Holmer
Answer: Uh, you must have me confused with Randy Silva or something.  

By Request, More Mr. Spandex

Question: Dude, what's wrong with you?
Answer: Remember that bad Seinfeld episode, "The Summer of George"? It's as if that blended with the bad movie "Groundhog Day" and I keep re-living the late '80s. I feel a need to wear neon clothes which are way too tight. Oh wait, no, that's Dr. Brian Palen fantasizing he's Olivia Newton John. Again.

Question:  Dear Mr. Spandex, what does it take to race well?
Answer:  To race well you must suffer until you bleed from your eye-sockets and do intervals. Intervals are short periods of intense work. Taylor Lane does his in Roosevelt Park at night while making $5. VonPeesvic does his running from paternity tests.

Question: Mr. Spandex, why are you so mean towards Mtn. Bikers?
Answer: I make fun of them because Mtn biking used to be a real sport involving a cross country race, a downhill, a time trial, a hill-climb, and a trials competition all on the same weekend. You had to do all the events, and you had to do them all on your same bike. Then, they put pogo-sticks on their forks, and started charging the GDP of Paraguay for a bike to ensure only rich people could enjoy riding. It was all part of the man's plan to keep us down........

Question:  Mr Spandex, does at hotdog eating contest count as 'cross-training?
Answer:  Only if you are a scrawny little weakling.  Since that covers all cyclists, I guess it does count.

Question: Dear Mr. Spandex, I’ve been seeing these supplements on the internet for "enlargement", I noticed some of them have Human Growth Hormone in them. If I’m just using these to be a big man, am I still violating any doping codes?   J.B.V. in Santa Fe …
Answer:  Not going to answer, wouldn't be prudent.

Question: Dear Mr. Spandex, I never ride my mountain bike on anything more technical than a fire-road (I would ride it on more technical things, but I just don't like the taste of Mountain Dew).  I was considering switching to a 'cross bike.  Is this a good idea, and how should I set the bike up?
Answer: This is a good idea, ‘cross rules.

Question:  Dear Mr. Spandex, Who are Freeriders?
Answer: They are the hobos who jump on moving trains because they have no money.  Eating Spam cold out of a can is the only link they have with real cyclists.  

Question:  My blow-up doll has a leak.  Should I use slime to patch "her" or get-out my patch kit? Damn goatheads….
Answer:  I'm not touching this question with a ten-foot pole, Dr. Senft.

Question:  Mr Spandex, I want to start riding with the roadies, but I don't fit in.  What can I do?
Answer:  To fit in with roadies, you must increase your Euro-Trash Coefficient (E.T.C).  Put on a David Hasslehoff cd and I'll tell you how.  Roadies are snobs for 2 reasons:  One, because they spent hundreds of hours increasing their E.T.C and feel you must do the same before they recognize you as one of their own.  The other reason is they will lose E.T.C points if they don't act French (rude).  To expedite gaining Euro-Trashness, begin talking in Kilometers.  It makes you sound faster anyway.  Next, it's time for some homework.  Look-up an obscure town in France ; on your next ride, regardless of where you are, talk endlessly about how this reminds you of that town. Additionally, look-up the name for "left" in French.  At the next turn call out that name, play it off like calling 'left' in French is so natural it happens all the time.  Also, buy the most ridiculous looking sunglasses you can.  When people in the US laugh at them, inform them they are big in Italy .  Under all circumstances, talk about yourself in the 3rd person; when other people on the group ride look at you funny, look back at them like they are the weirdos.  Finally, when in doubt, just copy Cipollini.

Question:  Mr Spandex, what's the best tire set-up for winter?
Answer:  There are many good tires anymore. During the winter, definitely use  a Mr. Tuffy.  Mr. Tuffy is a mean-looking little dude who sits inside your tires and yells at glass and thorns to get away. He also yells 'respect my author-ity' whenever you slack-off. When installing the Tuffy make sure you pull off any left-over material from the ends (it's left-over from when they cut them apart, it will pinch-flat your tires if you do not remove it).  Thorn resistant tubes also work well, but really add a lot of rolling resistance.  Regardless of what tires you use, replace them as they get worn.  You need good traction in bad weather and worn tires flat more.  Fixing a flat when it is cold sucks.   Hard nipples are for after the ride, not during.

Question: Dude, why are you so warped?
Answer: Too much Sadie’s hot salsa.